10 Ways To Make Sure You're Sh1t

(Common Mistakes Made by New Acts)

I feel uniquely qualified to reveal 10 of the mistakes I've made – I won't mention the other 990 right now…

 Don't Learn Your Act

It can be highly amusing to watch a new act struggling to remember the next bit of their act - but not in the way he/she intended. To be certain of confirming the audiences suspicions that you don't care enough about them to learn your material, simply toss a few ideas around in your head without once committing them to paper. Don't even think about making a list of keywords and memorising them. No way should you try to link the image evoked by the last gag in one section with the first gag in the next section. The audience are a forgiving bunch and will gladly wait patiently while you trot out those highly original "savers" like "So...what else can I tell you?" or "I know this - really!". And for the icing on the cake, pull out your scrappy hand-written sheets of A4, peer at them in the dim stage light and shuffle them frantically while keeping a fixed inane grin on your face - it will be fine, really!

Don’t Greet The Audience

Why bother saying "Hello", "Evening" "Hiya" or any other greeting – this might well introduce you to the audience in a friendly way and get an immediate response – who needs that!? Dive into your material, don’t pander to the plebs with populist attention-getting devices, they’ve come to hear your gags, not your pleasantries. And while we’re on the subject…

 Don’t Say Goodbye and Thank You

Look – they’ve heard the gags, they either like you or they don’t. It’s no good thanking them for their attention, especially if they didn’t give you enough of it – tell them what you really think of their half-arsed attempts at understanding the depth and substance of your hand-crafted material. That way they’ll appreciate your honesty – even if they’re 100% honest with you about whether they ever want to see you again!

With an act which has such unique character, instant appeal and a turn of wit that beggars belief, you don’t need to even hear what the compere says about you - never mind ensuring that it sets you up in the right way! He may introduce you as a one-legged ballet dancer from Bulgaria, or just as a shit new act who’s name he can’t even be arsed to read out from the scrappy chewed up bit of paper you gave him earlier. A true comedian can work with any introduction, no matter how demeaning or confusing, it’s just the power of a master improviser on display. And even if takes five minutes for the audience to recover from a poor intro and begin to understand what you’re all about, well – they’ll know next time!

Absolutely no need to offer your audience a quick first gag, something that is consistent with your stage persona or the theme of your act. This might only give them the impression that you’re worth listening to and might even give them another few laughs later, too. Far, far better to plough straight into your first supremely clever 5 minute piece of comic genius full of intricate counterpoint and obscure references to 20 year old episodes of Star Trek. If the audience aren’t sophisticated enough to appreciate a true artist who cannot be constrained by hackneyed formulae of yesteryear, well, darling – stuff ‘em!

The mike is simply a tool, which cannot enhance the quality of an act with high fidelity sound. You know audiences will always readily forgive that acceptable half minute of fumbling with the mike at the start. Even if you drop it, they’ll wait patiently and give you the benefit of the doubt. Should you be holding it too close to your mouth, they’ll just hear you all the better, and the distortion introduced thereby will give it an authentic "club" sound. If it’s too far away from your mouth, then more of your unadulterated aural ambience will add a natural ring to the sound (and allow them to continue their undoubtedly important conversations in peace, without the constant interruption of rip-roaring gags). So don’t ever think of practising mike technique – leave that to the androids.

Look – you’ve sweated blood over your act, practised it over and over until it’s word perfect. It’s timed to the millisecond and, frankly, you don’t need it to be interrupted by constant sounds of amusement from people who obviously don’t give a damn that you’re on a tight time slot and you simply have to get through this material right to the bitter end. If they miss the next gag because they’re still laughing at the first (probably because the fools were too bloody thick to understand it within the allotted 0.4 seconds you generously allowed for "objective audience response") – well, their loss!

Come on, who still believes that old garbage about people who avoid your gaze being shifty and untrustworthy!! People haven’t come to be admired and appreciated by granting them the respect of glancing at them occasionally, they’ve come to appreciate raw comedic talent. They surely don’t need the reassurance of a mutual gaze which forms an unspoken bond between the performer and the audience, and is the best known precaution against heckling.

No-one can possibly expect a Comedian who is generating waves of laughter to simply stick to the time slot that some failed-comic sub-Nazi promoter has high handedly dished out to you. Hey man, comedy just isn’t like that! When the greats are playing with comic ideas the last thing on their minds is the time of day, and if you want to get to the top, you have to think like the top acts, who surely don’t time their acts to the second (err…yes they do – Ed). Even if they do, just because it’s going to eat into the time for the other acts and piss off the promoter to the extent of NEVER booking you again, that’s no reason to deny you free speech, right?!

Who the hell do they think they are!

Bloody beer sellers with pretensions to sponsoring Art! Bet they’ve never gigged in their lives, and here they are, playing with people’s lives, emotions, making their pathetic little suggestions about this gag or that gag, "keep it tight, keep it tight", why don’t they just chill out, appreciate a new comic genius in the making and get a f***ing life ! They expect you to keep calling them, they NEVER call you back except when they’re desperate. So unfair that they have absolute control of the one thing you would kill or die for - a spot in a good club, a warmed up audience who will give you that better-than-sex buzz you crave – laughter, buckets of it, exploding out of their mouths, adulation, riotous clapping, standing ovations, hearty back slaps and pleased, teeth-smiling faces, encores, adrenalin rush and endorphin overload, a natural high like no other. And for that, they expect a little respect, a few phone calls, and some discipline? Do they think they own the place?!!?!